I am sitting in front of the keyboard, stalled and lost for words. Its difficult to put into text what I felt at the time our family entered the room, so I am once again struggling to get started! Even now, over one year later looking at this picture strikes so deep at emotions I never knew existed!
How do you prepare yourself to enter a room right after the doctors have informed you that your child, who you saw come in to this world, now you maybe holding vigil at her bedside as you witness her leaving? I look at Nancy and think she carried Bridget and actual delivered this beautiful child to the world. I can't imagine what depth's her emotions are going to. Then there is Craig, married to Bridget for just a few short years with two very young children at home under 4 years old. Bridget's sisters, Erin the oldest and Ceara the baby. The girls had a photo of the 3 of them with a caption that said " Sisters by Chance, Friends by Choice!" Our Girls are Close
The truth is, even today I don't know what I was feeling or thinking. It was just all to surreal. This cannot be happening, but then when you walk in and see your child on a ventilator, dialysis, kidney drain tubes and 12 antibiotics the truth is impossible to miss. And then again the Doctors words strike at your core "tenuous!" I would suggest that it is just to much for the senses to absorb and that your emotions and spirit just shut down.
But the real struggle in writing this blog entry is due to some feelings of guilt and shame to where my mind went that night. As I watched Bridget laying there, barely holding on to life, I looked to God and prayed he would take her so she didn't have to suffer any longer. In a split second after that thought it was like black shame engulfed me, how selfish of me to suggest something like this even if it was in silent prayer. The question I had to ask myself; was I wishing her suffering to stop or mine? And if God did take her that night, was I kidding myself that suffering would be less now that she was at peace or would my suffering just increase exponentially due to such a great loss. But in reality I knew that was between Bridget and God and that the choice was not mine.
It was a long night of difficult discussions and time that seemed to stand still. I will always be grateful to Craig for his courage and open mindedness. Who could ever imagine having to stand there with a young man married to my baby girl discussing an DNR or Do Not Resuscitate. But this was our shared reality and Craig showed so much dignity, compassion and composure way beyond his years. His strength helped me feel so much less alone.
Our girls Erin and Ceara stayed at a hotel across the street that night and Craig, Nancy and I slept in chairs in the ICU waiting room. The minutes seemed like hours as we tried to sleep but accepted rest. Then every time you hear the doors open to the ICU unit, it hit: Here comes the doctor to tell us she is gone. It was a very long night but when the sun started to come up Bridget was still with us, but the torture of the night now would be come the torture that day..... then again for the next night; you get the idea. It was at least 3 days before we had minimum hope, but were cautioned that she was not out of the woods. We embraced the small hope.
That first morning, I prayed to God for guidance on what I perceived as shameful thinking the night before . Then I proceeded to the girls hotel room for a shower. On the way over God whispered in my ear, share your thoughts with Erin and Ceara. Me; hey God I don't think that is a good idea?" But I knew I needed to bring that thought into light with someone who loved me and would night judge me. So I did share it and my girls where totally understanding and it helped me to accept my own humanness and powerlessness over random thoughts in a dire situation. Thank you Erin and Ceara for your understanding and compassion. After that I had to run home to pick up some things, as we knew this was going to be a long haul ( wound up to be 7 weeks). On my ride back, the compassionate voice of God reached out to me again and said these 5 profound words " You always Choose Life!" God continued, You must love and trust me enough to give Bridget to me! Your path is to support your daughter and family in ways that I guide you!
Creative thinking of my subconscious or really God's word directly to me. I know its God's word to me. I have worked hard in my life to discern what is God's Will and Word in my thoughts and what are the words of my self serving ego. No doubt about it folks, it was God guiding me how to trust Him and support Bridget.
And guess what, the Old Boy game thru!
He did take care of her. She was the talk of the hospital as the doctors could not explain her rapid recovery ( that will demonstrate how sick our girl was if rapid is 7 weeks), day by day she grew in strength as she fought to come back to her life and loved ones. We will be eternally grateful to the doctors and nurses of Northwestern Hospital. Their skills, dedication and compassion where unbelievable as they nursed Bridget back from the abyss. We walked away from that hospital a stronger group of people than when we entered some many weeks before. There was now a knowledge of High Class problems vs Real Problems and just how little control you have in life. Stop sweating the small stuff! We learned how to live in the unknown and powerlessness one day at a time. It became important to still go on and put more into the world than you take out, understanding severe illness and near death experience does not exonerate you from carrying out God's plan for you, rather it confirms that philosophy that its better to give than receive because serving gets you out of your self. And lastly, that God's is always there and available if we are not to noisy and absorbed in events to listen!
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